The Struggle

It can be so hard to let God fight for me. There are days where I just want to control things in my life. And there are days where things are so – uncontrollable.

It’s hard to sit still. It’s hard to be patient. It’s hard to wait.

It’s hard to trust.

And yet those are the very things that God asks of me. He asks me to “be still.” He asks me to “wait on the Lord.” And He asks me to be patient for His answer. Most of all? He asks me to trust in Him.

God tells me that He works for my good, if I’m following Him and obeying His commands. He tells me that He wants to bless me. That He’s faithful. Loving. Wise.

Yet, still, I struggle.

Sometimes I struggle against myself. Sometimes, it’s others. But mostly, it’s a struggle for control. I try so hard to get things to go the way I think they should go. I hurry them on. I stop them altogether. I maneuver. Whisper. Orchestrate. Plan.

Sometimes I think I just get in God’s way.

Sometimes I think maybe the wait is there because I interfered, not because my God was slow.

If only I’d have listened. If only I’d have trusted. Been patient. Been still.

I’m just not very good at that.

I know I can learn things in these times. I know there are things God wants to teach me. Work through me. Show me. I wish I’d welcome those gifts of knowledge more often! I wish I’d cherish the personal delivery of messages that can only come from Him – to – me.

I hate that I fight against Him. I hate that I don’t always know that I’m fighting against Him. But that I’m just simply lost in my humanness.

I KNOW that my God is for me. I KNOW that His will (and timing) is best. I KNOW that my life in HIS hands instead of my own – is best.

And so I keep trying to do better. I keep trying to learn from my mistakes. I keep trying to “be still.” “Be patient.” And “trust.”

I just wish it weren’t so much of a struggle.