There's Something About Death

 

There’s nothing like death, that can make a person reevaluate their life.

Am I making the most of my time while I’m alive?

Do I need to make healthier choices?

Are their relationships I need to repair?

The list goes on and on. Losing someone we loved, admired, or cared for - causes us to pause, think, and dig internally a little deeper.

And yet there is also something about death that seems to make us turn on our heals and blame God. 

Someone suffered greatly.

A good person was taken, and an evil one was left.

We asked God for healing and it didn’t come.

So many questions. So many unfelt answers.

It perplexes us. Confounds us. Turns our lives upside down. We grieve, we rebel, we doubt, we fear.

I started experiencing death at an early age. My great grandmother passed when I was 6. That is the earliest loss I remember. I don’t remember feeling sadness - just awareness of what was going on around me and the responses. Then I lost my grandpa at age 10. That one hit me hard. 3 weeks later I lost my uncle in a plane crash. And from there, I lost someone I cared about every year until after high school. Death came in the shape of illnesses, and unexpected car accidents. 

I learned how to walk in sadness. And I learned how not to waste time. How to love deeply - because the sadness would be felt just as deeply. I learned how to say I loved, I cared, I saw things in someone. I learned how to learn from people. To watch, and to take what I saw was good and to input it into my heart and my life.

A lot of people don’t get the chance to learn those things. A lot of people don’t CHOOSE to learn those things.

And to me, that is one of the greatest lessons of all. 

Choice.

We choose what we will learn and grow from. And we choose our responses.

With every love, comes the risk to hurt and lose. They go hand in hand. 

It’s not God’s fault we will perish. We were going to perish anyways. It IS God’s grace and mercy, that provided a way for us to live on after this life.

And some may say - why did He create us at all? Why does He stand by and allow us to suffer? I say He doesn’t enjoy it. Yes, He may allow it, but I don’t believe He enjoys it. And I go back to what I originally said - because sometimes it’s only in death that we dig deeply and decide to make changes in our lives. It’s only through death, that we reevaluate who we are, WHY we are, and WHAT we are doing with the time we’ve been given.

I pray when it’s my time, that it’s not painful. For me, or for those who love me. In fact, I pray it’s beautiful. A time where I’m surrounded by comfort, love, and joy - because I know where I’m headed, and those around me know where I’m headed. And my God will come to me in those moments with peace, strength, and His perfect words to leave behind me.

Death is not a choice we want as part of our lives. But it is unavoidable. 

What we take from it is hard. It wrecks us at times. But it can be used for good. It’s just up to us, to decide if we’ll let it.

Why Do We Try So Hard To Hide the "Ugly"

Why?

Why is it when someone commits suicide that no one mentions what happened? Everyone wonders. They inquire. And we seem so eloquent in our choice of wording. 

Why is it when someone dies from cancer we don’t want to show them with no hair? Everyone knows they lost it. They know what happened. 

Why do we try to act like everything is fine when someone we love ends up arrested or in jail? 

I just wonder why we try so hard to hide the bad things. Why we try to cover up what we deem “ugly.” 

News travels. News is discovered. News and pictures are found on the Internet, on the news, shared from friend to friend. Talked about amongst family. It is uncovered. Almost always. Sometimes right away. Sometimes over years.  But still… it is usually unearthed.

Our efforts were in vain.

I don’t think God looks at what we see as bad or ugly quite the same way. I think he often finds our molding, shaping, chiseling, and sifting times as beautiful. He is teaching us. Using us. 

We are often selfish people. We want to keep our reputations and image spotless. And yet that is not “real.” 

We are not truly community if we can’t embrace one another in the highs and lows of life. We can’t walk alongside of each other, grieve, love on, support or help unless we let everything sit out in the open. For aren’t we here to learn, grow, and help each other be better? How can we do that if everyone acts like they are already “better?”

We try to mask what others already see. What they instinctually know. For what? For ourselves, usually. For those who truly love us don’t care. They won’t leave. They won’t judge. 

So I again ask…what is it all for? What do our efforts bring about but temporary comfort?

Be real! Be free. Let others see the struggle, so that they too can be free to struggle. Let them see the heartache. So they too, can cry. Let them see the pain. So that they can see that there is beauty to be found in it. 

Let them see. 

Let them love. 

Not Everything Is Equal

 

We seem to live in a time in life where everyone wants things to be “equal.” Whether or not someone’s efforts are excellent, people seem to want to achieve the same level as someone who has given sweat and soul day in and day out to get to where they are.

I was the little sister. I got a lot of hand-me-downs growing up. I didn’t always get “new.” But that’s what happens to siblings who come after the first-born. Should our parents not be wise with their finances and discard perfectly good items just because we want what our eldest sibling had? 

No. Life is not fair. It is not equal.

The youngest sibling often has more relaxed standards in the family because the parents “learned” that thing would be okay if they adjusted and picked their battles. This is something the oldest sibling often has to learn the hard way and with more responsibility on their shoulders.

It’s not wrong. It’s just not equal.

And that’s the way it should be in society and in our lives.

Race, religion, the sexes - none of that should play as great a role as “are you qualified?” “Are you excellent in your work?” “Are you honest?” “Have you worked for it?” 

Not everything is equal. 

But it still can be good. Because the people that deserve to be promoted, should get promoted. The people who deserve to be heard over the airwaves, are heard. The people who deserve to get benefits, get them.

We need to have something to hope for. Work for. Believe in.  THAT is what makes us grow. THAT is what makes us better.

Perfection Comes In Many Different Forms

Have you ever felt so thankful to be in a spot that you know was of God’s choosing and not your own?

I have.

I have closed my eyes, felt tears come to my throat and eyes, and just thanked God as I sat in the moment of knowing I was in God’s “here.” Not my “here.” Not a place of MY choosing. Or a time of MY choosing. But one that I was allowed to see… was clearly His.

Footsteps orchestrated by God alone. 

A place picked out by Him.

Details maneuvered and navigated by my Lord. Personalized and tailored just for me.

And it was all perfect.

When I say “perfect” - I don’t mean that each time I saw I was sitting in the place He’d picked for me that everything was beautiful. Sometimes, indeed, it was beautiful. Other times, it was perfect in the way of renewal. Or sifting that I didn’t know I needed. Healing. Refining. Answered prayers of deliverance.

Perfection often comes in many different forms.

But still, I sit in those moments - deeply indebted and thankful. Humbled. And feeling so very loved and reminded that I have a God who sees my deepest hurts and needs. I have a Lord, who WANTS what is the best for me. 

Those moments are everything to me. 

When was the last time you looked at the threads in your life and realized God placed you where you are for a reason? Sometimes we don’t see because we simply don’t look. Or maybe we forgot our long ago prayer to have what now sits in the palm of our hands.

But He didn’t forget.

He didn’t stop loving.

And so here we sit. In God’s “here.” In the “here” we longed for and needed. The one that we didn’t even see on the agenda. And yet it fits us so perfectly.

Because again. Perfection comes in many different forms.

Well-Meaning Words

"God's timing is perfect." We hear this saying a lot from well-meaning friends.  

There are times when frustration happens in our lives. We unload on someone close to us, or share the burdens of our heart and we are met with, "You know, God's timing is perfect." 

And it is. Oh, how it is. 

God is never early and He is never late.

But I can't help but think that these words can almost come off as uncaring, if we aren't careful in our delivery of them, and our timing of them.

I know for me, I am very well aware that God's timing is perfect. I trust in that and I am thankful for that. But sometimes, I don't need to hear them tossed back my way. I'd rather someone let me know they are sorry for what I'm going through, that they understand, or some other encouraging, heartfelt, meaningful words. So that I know they CARE.

I get it. It doesn't mean someone doesn't care if they say, "you know - God's timing is always perfect." But if that's ALL they say? To me, that comes off a little... well... uncaring. 

What people need most in those moments is someone THERE in the moment with them. They mostly need to feel heard. And when platitudes are given, it can almost feel like we are a burden to someone else. That they are letting us know we aren't trusting in God enough, aren't patient enough, aren't (fill-in-the-blank) ENOUGH. And maybe we aren't. Maybe we will look back and wish we'd handled a certain situation better, stronger, wiser, or calmer. But that's probably a given for most all of us.

When someone trusts you enough with the vulnerabilities of their heart, take pause. It doesn't mean they don't have faith that God will show up. It may simply just mean they need a friend to walk alongside them through it.

So although God's timing IS indeed always, always perfect - maybe we can aim a little closer to "perfecting" our heart's reply to someone in the moment.

Because, maybe, JUST maybe - God's timing? God's timing may be intended to come through us in just the right words at just the right time.

It Means More Than We Can Imagine

Touch.

When we touch each other in a moment of grief, pain, doubt, loss… it means something. It means more than we can imagine.

If you cry alone, you feel alone. But if you cry with someone holding you; their arms around your shoulders.. you may still feel alone, but you KNOW you are not. Whether or not they can understand your fear or pain at what is to come, at what is happening, there is something about that grip of another, that helps.

Rubbing someone’s back - holding their hand - wiping a tear from their face or pulling back their hair - those guesturesj MEAN something. They stand for something.

We are not in this life alone. 

We don’t feel pain alone.

We don’t have to weep… alone.

And whether or not we understand, we all know how it feels to hurt. How it feels to lose. How it feels to be scared.

We can stand by and watch. We can say, “I’m sorry.” We can glibly offer prayers. Or we can be there. We can touch. 

I know I want to be there. To offer what little comfort I can to someone else. To give them strength they may not be able to summon themselves. To offer love.

And I know I want someone there for me. When the tears fall down my face, I want someone to comfort me not just with words - but with the love that comes only from their touching embrace.

We underestimate it. But it is invaluable.

Be there. Love.

Touch. For we are all human. And it’s better to go through the tough moments together….than alone. 

Love Is Not Self-Seeking

 

We put so many unfair expectations on each other.

The pressures and weight we place on each other is too much for someone’s shoulders to bear.

No one can meet the expectations we place on them, all of the time. And even if they meet them some of the time, they probably aren’t genuine. Not if we clearly lay them out before them. No. They are met out of guilt, or to keep some sort of peace in the relationship.

Love does not place expectations on someone else’s plate. 

Yes, there are certain boundaries that need to be upheld in relationships. Certain character qualities, and morals that need to exist for a healthy dynamic. I’m talking more about physical and emotional expectations that are only there to meet some sort of inner need put in place by the person who lays them out before the other.

It’s never fair. Never healthy.

It’s control.

People were meant to be free. Free to feel how they want to feel. Free to run life slowly or fast, depending on their personal bent. Free to express their hearts how they want (or don’t want). Free to be quiet, or outgoing.

We cannot, and should not place expectations on our relationships simply because we are insecure, lonely, depressed, anxious, regretful, or you fill in the blank.

These kinds of expectations damage otherwise healthy and normal relationships. They suck the life out of people. 

Maybe we “wish” things were a little bit differently than they currently are. Okay. But other people aren’t “us.” And we can’t make them “us”. 

Sometimes we rate people on our own scale - not on a scale that is tailored to them. And that is never fair. 

We rate their efforts based on the efforts and energy WE have, not on what they have. We rate their interactions based on the interactions WE prefer, not on what they prefer. We rate their expressions and feelings based on how WE think they should be expressed, not on how God created THEM!

And instead of seeing the beauty in the differences, we strangle the life out of a relationship because it doesn’t fit into a mold of where we think it should be.

That’s never love. 

It’s time we love people as they are, WHERE they are. Pray for God to fill in any holes in their lives that need filling, as well as working on our own hearts to be His servants and love others wholly in spite of it all. 

Never placing demands, complaints, regrets, or disappointments onto someone else’s heart.

Love is not self-seeking.

It’s good to remember that.

If we can just let our relationships exist with all their intricacies, we can find joy in learning and sharing life with another human being who adds to our life in ways we hadn’t considered on our own.

This world has enough stress and pressures without us putting it onto each other.

We Want to Avoid It.....But We Should Walk Through It, Together

“Let’s Focus On Something Happy.”

That is something I hear from time to time when we have gathered with family. We start talking about some relative going through something tough, or some crisis or tragedy that has made big news. And we can get in-depth and long-winded about it - to which, I will inevitably hear someone say “Let’s focus on something happy.”

And listen, I get it. There is a time when talking about the unhappy or sad, has had its place. But you know what? Talking about the unhappy and sad.. also has ITS place.

And all too often we want to avoid it.

How can we learn, grow, walk through life together, or learn how to share both the happy and sad in our lives - if we avoid even discussing it?

Life is not happy all the time. We are all too aware of that. Life is happy, sad, ups, and downs. It has hard moments just as equally (sometimes it feels like more) than good. And we should be able to share, talk, lean on, cry with, and discuss those moments with those we trust, love, and who are closest to us.

Those things do have their place. We can revisit them at appropriate times. We can use discernment when a conversation has run its course and we need to move on. But avoiding them altogether - I feel is a mistake.

So yes. We should focus on the goodness of the Lord. We should be thankful for the blessings, answers to prayer, and joyful times in life that we are graciously given. We should share those with others too - so that God gets glory and honor and that other people can grow in their faith.  But we should also take the time to walk through the deeper waters with one another, too. We NEED to.

No one can keep all the sadness a heart carries to themselves. Nor should they. We are here to be there for each other. To strengthen. To advise. To LOVE.

Let’s focus on being there for each other. Whether that means focusing on the happy…. Or the sad for a time.

Let’s focus on helping each other be better, stronger, wiser, and healed from the trauma we all go through in various ways.

THAT should be our focus. THAT should be our goal. 

And THAT will be our strength. Each other.